I’ve been struggling with insecurity the last couple of days. Everything I write I want to trash. My ideas feel still-born. Trying to be brave I end up feeling foolish – and small.
Remember when Adam and Eve owned the Garden? I mean owned it as in strutted around with confidence, without clothes, without insecurity? What must that have been like?
To be naked and unashamed – unconcerned with external evaluation, unafraid of the environment, to walk about picking fruit and naming animals undaunted. Just trying to imagine it releases a spontaneous gasp – body and soul in shared awe.
But insecurity slithers into my psyche. Insecurity hisses leading questions – that lead nowhere good. This unwelcome creature brings no fruit, but leaves seeds of doubt in its wake.
Here’s an idea with potential… This image sings with truth… I’m good at this… I’m ready for this… but then I’m haunted by that troubling presence.
I look down – discover I am naked. I stand naked in a garden – nothing between me and my feeble ideas. I don’t just see nakedness, but deformity and imperfection.
Stripped of confidence I view every inch of vulnerability and know it’s not good. I reach for fig leaves to cover my loins and lapses. Paranoia stirs and before I know it I am hearing things. Noises. Footsteps.
Now that I am naked and ashamed – I know He’ll be ashamed, too.
Hiding’s the best option. Invisible behind the bushes, camouflaged by flowers, I try to slow my breathing and quiet myself into non-existence. Maybe He won’t see.
But He calls out and I cannot resist answering…
I am naked.
“Who told you that you were naked?”
I’ve been found out – but also found. His voice alone reminds me that nakedness is natural, vulnerability a seedbed for goodness. His voice reassures me – nakedness is not the problem.
Withering words of insecurity be cursed, then and now. In that story and my own.
I want to be naked and unashamed again.
This is just wonderful, Kelly. Found out and FOUND – yes! Thank you for your always good and wise words.
– “To be naked and unashamed – unconcerned with external evaluation, unafraid of the environment, to walk about … undaunted. Just trying to imagine it releases a spontaneous gasp – body and soul in shared awe.”// Sigh. Gasp indeed!
-“Insecurity hisses leading questions – that lead nowhere”// Tell me about it.
– “I don’t just see nakedness, but deformity and imperfection.”//UGH. Yes…
– “I reach for fig leaves to cover my loins and lapses.” // Beautifully said.
– “Paranoia stirs and before I know it I am hearing things. Noises. Footsteps.”// Wow. Couldn’t have put it any better.
– “Who told you that you were naked?” // Powerful question.
– “I’ve been found out – but also found.”// YES.
– “I want to be naked and unashamed again.”// A thousand times: YES.
It’s funny how a piece about insecurity is written so beautifully. 🙂
Love you Kels,
Teen